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也说两句父与子：强烈推荐一本好书（增补）精选

已有 11899 次阅读 2012-3-31 13:08 |个人分类:东扯西读|系统分类:人文社科| 父与子, raising, Cain

也说两句父与子：强烈推荐一本好书（增补）

鲍永利老师的新博文《父爱的方式》以及最近科学网好几篇探讨男女生考研读研等的差别的博文，不禁让我想起了前两年读过的一本书：由Dan Kindlon和Michael Thompson两位美国儿童心理学家写的《Raising Cain》。和另一位心理学家Mary Pipher写的《Reviving Ophelia》一起，《Raising Cain》和《Reviving Ophelia》被认为是分别探讨男孩子和女孩子在成长过程中所遇到的独特的挫折和挑战方面的力作，发行以来在美国都一直极为畅销。刚刚谷歌了一下，发现《Raising Cain》似乎已经有了两种中译本，台湾出的那本叫《该隐的封印-男孩世界的隐密文化》，另外还有一个版本叫《男孩不该走的路》，但内容似乎有删节（注：两个中文版我都没看过）。用中文书名去百度倒发现了一个介绍：

http://baike.baidu.com/view/4042316.html?fromTaglist

通过大量的实例（比如他们咨询或治疗过的）并结合自身经历，《Raising Cain》的作者认为社会的一些传统观念和流行文化（比如过分强调英雄主义，machoism等）在相当大的程度上其实制约了男孩子的成长，尤其是心理上的健康成长，表现出来的是比较缺乏正确表达自己情感的意愿，能力甚至词汇，缺乏和他人沟通的方式。有意思的是，书中还分析了从婴儿到青春期的成长过程中的各种“男女有别”（比如有些男孩子好动，缺乏组织性，说话比较直接，阅读能力的发展也普遍比女孩子要滞后），认为当前的教育和考试体制（像过早强调阅读方面的考核等等）在一定程度上也把男孩子先放在了不利的位置，比如男生的考试成绩普遍不如女生，受老师，家长批评的机会也多。作者在书中强调在这方面有改革的必要，还提出了一些可能的解决方法，比如让7-8岁的男孩子和6岁的女孩子一起上阅读课和参加考核，而不是一刀切的同龄教育。

另外，在《Raising Cain》里，作者还花了相当大的篇幅探讨母子关系和父子关系。在书的序言里有一段是这么说的（来自《该隐的封印-男孩世界的隐密文化》）：

“我看过太多男孩独自忍受煎熬，看过那些无法与别人做有意义沟通的男孩，因为他们不断地被告知，感情等于懦弱，他们也不曾学过其他的思考或行为方式。同时，我也看过许多男人无法成为他们心目中理想的父亲形象，这些男人通常都充满敌意，不停地责难他们自己的儿子（虽然，他们也希望有不同的行为模式），将他们的男孩一步一步地推往深渊，让他们承受过多的期待，而且拒绝任何的情感。“

书里面对父子关系的反省和分析是我个人认为写得最好最感人的一部分。章节的开头是这么写的：

"... When a grown man cries in therapy, it is almost always about his father. The man may be hated or revered, alive or dead. The story may be one of a father's absence, his painful presence, or his limitations of spirit and feeling. The word love rarely comes up in the stories men tell, but that is what these stories are all about. Fathers and sons are players in a tale of unrequited love-- a story told in yearning, anger, sadness and shame.

An emotional gulf separates most sons from their fathers, and it is uniquely damaging to a boy because of the central role a father figure plays in a boy's developing view of himself.

For too many sons, this emotional breach between them and their fathers remains a lifelong source of sadness, anger, bitterness, or shame. Emotional distances keeps many good men from being better fathers; it doesn't diminish a son's desire for connection. No matter how impossible a father may be, at the deepest level of his being, a boy wants to love his father and wants to be known and loved by him." (pp. 94-95)

虽然父子关系里可能有不少冲突和暗流，书中却也提出母亲在这个事情上的过度介入并不一定是好事。作者之一的Michael Thompson在序言里写到：

"I wish she hadn't intervened and managed our relationship in the way she did. She didn't understand our competition, our conflict, and our need to throw ourselves at each other. We were always making attempts at intimacy, right up until his death. My father is gone now. He died during the writing of this book, but I am often reminded of Geoffrey Wolff's remark in The Duke of Deception: My mind is never completely empty of my father."

在父子关系一章的最后，作者指出，虽然“in general it is better not to leave important feelings unexpressed and that words are often the clearest and most unequivocal way to do this",好的父子关系和好的母子关系的形式可以也可能应该是是截然不同的。如果好的母子关系是表现在感情交流上，好的父子关系完全可以表现在大家一起做什么事情（而不是非促膝谈心不可）："a physical expression of affection may come in sharing a space--sitting side by side to assemble a model or standing at opposite ends of a field for a game of catch..." (p. 113)

"...Simply doing things together and listening and talking to each other with respect." (p. 113)

《Raising Cain》：一本值得儿子们，父亲们，母亲们，老师们和对教育学心理学感兴趣的朋友们细读的书。

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. (2000). Ballantine Books.

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. (2005). Riverhead Trade.

补充：有网友提示在网上可以下载到《男孩不该走的路》。谢谢！