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(1/25/08) Chinese American wedding (#3) –advice  to all newly weds



In my last article in Chinese American Wedding, I mentioned that the

sister (Emily ) of the bride, my other niece, got married two years

earlier in Hawaii. At that time I was asked by the parents of Emily (my

brother and sister in law) to give a keynote address at the reception

banquet they are giving for their friends. I reproduce my talk (in

2006) below as advice or all young married:





Emily and John, Parents of the bride, parents of the groom, Ladies and

Gentleman

I am very honored to be asked to say a few words here. While I

have given various keynote addresses to professional groups over

the years, to give address at a wedding other than that of my own

children is a first for me. One might legitimately ask as to what

qualifies me as a speaker on this occasion. There are two reasons.

The program lists me as an uncle on the Father side of the bride

via marriage. But I have another distinction. Many years ago

before Emily was born, I actually gave away a beautiful young

lady at the wedding of a guy named Joe (Note: when my brother

-in-law (Joe) and his wife married, we are all young, poor, and

starting out. No family members were present. So I stood in also as

father of the bride in ceremony giving away the daughter in

marriage) So this makes me a honorary family member also on the

bride’s Mother side. The other reason is that my wife, Joes’ sister,

and I have been married for over 46 years and are looking forward

to our 50th. By longevity I guess we are qualified to tell the newly

weds something of our experience.

There is an old saying that before marriage you should keep your

eyes open and half shut afterwards. While the first part of the

advice is history, the second part of the age old advice is still

applicable. Or to put it another way, in an ideal marriage, one

partner is almost deaf and the other nearly blind. Take your pick

between a lawyer and a doctor who should be blind or deaf (Note: the

bride is a doctor and the groom in this case is a lawyer). In fairy

tales, marriage are made in heaven but for us mortals sometimes

marriage is hell on earth so expect to face problems and ups-&

-downs. The first immediate problem you may have already

resolved is what to call your in-laws. Asian families living in a

western culture creates uncertainties and confusions. Next

problem is what to do with unwanted or duplicate wedding gifts.

You have to learn to lie creatively when writing thank you notes.

Other life’s problems as a couple will follow surely as the sun

will rise tomorrow

Other things you need to know:

1. two cannot, I repeat cannot, live as cheaply as one

2. retain courtship in marriage so that you don’t have to go to court

3. At the beginning of a marriage you are only interested in

one thing. Time will come when you reach our age, you can’t even

remember what that thing was. And at our age, it will take you all

night to do what you used to do all night (Note: this is American

sexual humor).

4.In a marriage inevitably there will be quarrels. They all started

with little things. Many of you have seen the recent commercial

when the young wife dressed in a new bikini asks her husband who

is busily watching the sports channel, “do I look fat in this?”

. Without a glance or missing the action on TV, husband gives

what he thought as the universally safe answer “I agree

absolutely”. Well things go downhill from there.



But all kidding aside, your parents have specifically asked me to

clarify one romantic myth. While two is company three is not a

crowd so go ahead and multiply. Finally, good marriage like a

brandy grows better with age. 50 years from now as you celebrate

your golden wedding anniversary you will look back and say what

a wonderful life we had together. I can't help envy you because I

have experienced them myself, and would not mind being young

and newly weds again. Thus savor the experience as you two go

through life. You can only do it once. But I am content with what

R. Browning said so well which applies both to you, Emily and

John, your parents, as well as to all the married couple here.

"Come and grow old with me, the best is yet to be."