人与人打交道，有时非常容易，比如两个热恋中的年轻人，或者一个爱心十二分的妈妈／爸爸和一个天真的孩子在一起。有时，则靠情商。

维基百科：

情绪商數（英语：Emotional Intelligence或Emotional Intelligence Quotient，缩写为EI或EQ，简称情商），是一種自我情绪控制能力的指数，由美国心理学家彼德·薩洛維於1991年创立，屬於发展心理学範疇。情商是一种认识、了解、控制情绪的能力。但也有人质疑情商是否是一种智力能力的扩展表现。

有兴趣的看看：https://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/情緒商數

我在2018年年底，津津有味地看了一本小说，The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon:

https://www.amazon.com/Curious-Incident-Dog-Night-Time/dp/1400032717

这是中级英文程度的同学能看懂的。作者以15岁的“自闭症”男孩身份，描述他的日常生活。我带着浓厚的兴趣看完这本书，虽然小说中间部分节奏有点慢。

然后，我把这书给一个闺蜜，因为她的一个孩子，有一点“自闭”。她手上正好也有一本书，就给了我。 她说这本书是“interesting”。英文词interesting非常好用，因为其含义可以是模棱两可。这本书是I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships Kindle Edition

by Michael S. Sorensen  

https://www.amazon.com/Hear-You-Surprisingly-Extraordinary-Relationships-ebook/dp/B071K4MWMK

我看完引言（几页），学到一个关键词：validation。因为我不喜欢这位作者的文笔，就自己上网查。于是，就有了这篇博客。

作为父母，千万别说这5句话！

5 Invalidating Statements NOT to Say (to someone you want to support):

https://drjamielong.com/validation-5-things-not-to-say/

Validation. It says I hear you. I see you. I get it. I care about your feelings. Its importance cannot be overstated.

评论：我不知道如何用中文表述Validation。它的意思是：我在倾听，我明白你的处境，我理解你的感觉。我在乎你的感受。Validation的重要性，再怎么强调，也不过分。

Validation is a critical communication tool and expression of love and acceptance in relationships. So critical in fact, that parenting experts report that it’s one of the most important things a parent can do to foster healthy psychological development in their children (Read: The Power of Validation by Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D, and Melissa H. Cook, LPC).

Google Translate: 验证是关键的沟通工具，表达爱情和接受关系。事实如此重要，育儿专家报告说，这是父母可以做的最重要的事情之一，以促进他们的孩子健康的心理发展。（翻译水平不过关，但是，也许你能看明白？）

Conversely, invalidation is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse. What’s scary, it can be one of the most subtle and unintentional abuses. Denying someone’s feelings and emotional experience can make them feel like they’re going crazy! They leave the conversation feeling much different than at the start, questioning themselves.

Google Translate: 相反，失效是最具破坏性的情感虐待形式之一。 什么是可怕的，它可能是最微妙和无意的滥用之一。 否认某人的感受和情绪体验会让他们觉得自己疯了！ 他们让对话感觉与开始时有很大不同，质疑自己。

Some individuals knowingly invalidate others as a form of manipulation, control, and psychological injury. Possible explanations (other than psychopathy) are: a low capacity for empathy and compassion, not understanding or valuing the importance of validation, and/or not knowing how to express it effectively.

Google Translate: 有些人故意将其他人作为操纵，控制和心理伤害的一种形式。可能的解释（精神病除外）是：同情和同情能力低，不理解或重视验证的重要性，和/或不知道如何有效表达。

Others may invalidate unintentionally. The well-intentioned invalidators often defend that the goal is to help someone feel better or differently — to an emotion they judge as a more accurate, more valid one.

Google Translate: 其他人可能会无意中失效。善意的无效者通常会捍卫目标是帮助某人感觉更好或不同- 他们认为这种情绪更准确，更有效。

If you’re the recipient of invalidating messages, know this: YOU’RE NOT CRAZY! Your feelings are valid and real.

Google Translate: 如果您是消息无效的收件人，请知道：您不是疯了！你的感受是有效和真实的。

5 Invalidating Statements NOT to Say (to someone you want to support):

https://drjamielong.com/validation-5-things-not-to-say/

(Note: There are numerous ways to invalidate someone. Below are examples of more common invalidating statements).

评论：下面这些我没有翻译、或评论，因为，我看了，但是，接受不了。

1.  “At least it’s not…” -or- “It could be worse.”

The suffering of another can elicit strong discomfort for those who witness it. Compassionate people want to fix it or make it better. When someone cries, we offer a tissue to wipe away the tears or a tender sentiment in hopes of a smile. If those efforts don’t work, the ante is upped with stronger efforts to bring some relief. In my therapy sessions I often hear stories of how those in despair feel utterly alone and misunderstood. Take for example, a young client grieving the devastating ending of her short-lived marriage. She shared several examples of how well-meaning, sympathetic souls offered statements such as: “At least you’re young, you will re-marry.” “It could be worse, at least you didn’t have any children with him.” The attempts of solace felt as if her friends and loved ones were marginalizing her pain, regardless of the validity of those statements. It wasn’t perspective that she needed, it was empathy and understanding.

2.   “I’m sorry you feel that way.” 

As an experiment, ask someone you know to pinch your arm. Instruct this person that no matter what you do the only response they should give you is: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Have them pinch you until it starts to hurt. Once the pain has irritated you enough, tell the person: “Ouch! That really hurts!” Await for their scripted reply. How did you feel? Did your pain dissipate after learning they were sorry you felt that way? Of course not! Telling someone “I’m sorry you feel that way” is simply a socially acceptable way of saying, “I don’t care how you feel, your reality is wrong” (or worse: your experience is stupid).

3.   “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

You might think that the above example is very similar to #2. In some ways, yes it is, but here’s how it’s different. The message of you shouldn’t feel a certain way goes beyond disregarding another’s feeling, it also communicates that a person’s emotional experience isn’t a valid one. The statement conveys contempt and superiority. What gives you the authority or the ability to decide how a person should or shouldn’t feel? Only they know that! Denying a person’s perspective can — and often does — make them feel crazy, invisible and small. This example reminds me of a severely depressed adolescent patient who often complained during our sessions that her parents didn’t care about her. The examples she gave to support her belief were invalidating statements by her parents. When she was anxious about something that happened at school her parents told her that she shouldn’t let it bother her. When she was frustrated with how her parents disciplined her she was told she should get over it. After crying over a fight with a friend they suggested that she should lighten up and that her friend probably meant well. The list of examples went on and on.

4.   “Don’t think about it, just get on with it.”

Imagine you have spent a large amount of time training for a marathon. You’ve worked really hard to condition your body and you’re confident that you have achieved the necessary level of fitness to run in it. Just a few days before the marathon, an unfortunate accident results in a broken leg. Sadness, anger, frustration, and deflation might describe a few feelings subsequent to the situation. Assuming you’re not completely unreasonable, it’s unlikely that you will tell yourself: “Don’t think about it, just get on with it.” Your leg is broken! You can’t run a marathon with a broken leg, right?
Regarding emotions, people tell themselves and others all the time to dismiss a feeling and to just get on with it. Certainly, there are situations when we need to set our feelings aside so that we can function adaptively. I’m not writing about those situations in this example. I’m referring to the times when feelings are harmfully stuffed, brushed aside, and suppressed. Paradoxically, encouraging such emotion dismissal leads to even greater psychological distress. When we trivialize, minimize or disavow feelings, we inevitably cause the emotions to grow. Believe me, these emotions will find a way to be expressed. Think aches & pains, diarrhea, panic attacks, emotional eating, drugs, alcohol, etc.).

5.   “I’m not having this discussion!”

We’ve all been victim or the perpetrator of one of the most powerful non-verbal invalidations: The Silent Treatment. Leaving the room. Ignoring phone calls/text messages. Rolling our eyes. The urge to disallow a contrary emotional state to exist is understandable especially when we disagree with it. But we must resist this urge no matter how right we feel in the circumstance. Remember, validation does not mean we agree with another’s subjective reality. Validation is having the capacity to allow another person’s emotional state a space to exist and it can start with simply being present and listening.

How to Be Validating:

·      Recognize that validating someone’s emotional experience does not necessarily convey agreement with it or that you think they’re right. You can communicate that someone’s emotion is valid without liking the emotion. *Remember an emotion is different from a behavior. （ Google Translate: 认识到验证某人的情感体验并不一定表达与其的一致意见或您认为他们是正确的。你可以在不喜欢情绪的情况下传达某人的情感是有效的。*记住情绪与行为不同）

·      Avoid becoming defensive or offering unsolicited advice. If you are the target of the emotion, try to accept responsibility for at least a small part of the complaint. If you have an idea on how to solve their problem, ask: “Do you want my help with this problem?” If the answer is “No,” focus on listening. （Google Translate: 避免变得防守或提供不请自来的建议。如果您是情绪的目标，请尝试至少承担一小部分投诉的责任。如果您对如何解决问题有所了解，请问：“您是否希望我帮助解决这个问题？”如果答案是“否”，请专注于倾听。）

·      Understanding must precede intervention. To truly listen to someone means to try to understand their position. The deeper you can understand where they’re coming from, the more validating you will be. （Google Translate: 理解必须先于干预。真正倾听某人的意思是试图了解他们的立场。你越深入了解它们的来源，就会越有效。）

·      Reflect the Feeling. “I can see you’re really upset.” “This must be so painful.” （Google Translate: 反映感觉。“我可以看到你真的很难过。”“这一定是非常痛苦的。”）

·      Summarize the experience. “I totally understand that you’re upset because I wasn’t on time which was rude and irresponsible.” “This must be so painful, it’s devastating to experience such a loss.” （Google Translate: 总结经验。“我完全理解你很难过，因为我没有准时，这是粗鲁和不负责任的。”“这一定是如此痛苦，经历这样的损失是毁灭性的。”）

Ready to be even better at validating others? Read this post on the different levels of validation.

感叹一下：我真的不知道我是怎么活到今天的，也不知道是怎么养大孩子的。

附言：如果你想提高科技英语写作能力，请跟我来...

http://blog.sciencenet.cn/blog-306792-1146577.html