翻译(中译英): 邱敦莲

These New Rules Of The Office will be effective immediately...

以下几项新的办公室准则即将生效……

DRESS CODE: 着装原则
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

建议你根据自己工资水平着装。如果你脚穿$350的普拉达（Prada）休闲鞋，手提$600 的古奇（Gucci）包包，我们认为你经济上已经相当宽裕了，因此，你的薪水也没有必要再涨了。

SICK DAYS: 生病
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

我们不接受医生为你开的病假条。如果你能够去医院，那就说明你也能来上班。

SURGERY: 手术
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

手术是被禁止的。只要你是这里的雇员，你就得所有器官齐全，你不得考虑摘除身体上的某个部件。我们聘用的是完整的你，将身体上的某部分切除这属于违反聘用规定。

PERSONAL DAYS: 个人时间

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

每个雇员都将享有每年104天的个人时间，它们分别是星期六和星期天。

VACATION DAYS: 假期

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

所有员工将在每年同时度假，度假时间为1月1日、7月4日、12月25日（圣诞节）。

（译者注：分别是新年、美国独立日和圣诞节）

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: 丧假
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

这不是不上班的借口。你又不能为你死去的朋友、亲人、同事做些什么！要尽可能让没有上班的人去吊丧和安排。如果员工必须去的，葬礼应安排在下午晚些时候。我们将很高兴地允许你利用午餐时间工作,随后提前一小时离开，但前提是你的工作已经完成了。

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: 你本人死亡

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

这条可以作为你不上班的借口，但是，我们要求你至少得在两周前告知，因为培训你自己岗位的替代人员是你的职责。

RESTROOM USE: 卫生间的使用

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

花在卫生间的时间总的来说太多。将来我们将按照员工名字的字母顺序安排入厕时间。例如，名字以A开头的员工的入厕时间为8-8：20，名字以B开头的入厕时间为8：20-8：40。如果你不能在分配的时间内入厕，将必须等到第二天轮到你的时候再去。在紧急情况下，员工之间可以互相调换时间，但是必须有两名上级签署同意方能调换。

LUNCH BREAK: 午餐时间

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

身材瘦小的人的午餐时间为一小时，因为他们需要多吃看起来才健康；正常身材的人的午餐时间为30分钟，这样能够使他们均衡膳食保持身材；身材肥胖的人的午餐时间为5分钟，吃瘦得快（一种流质减肥食品）和服减肥片只要这些时间就够了。

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.

感谢你对本公司的忠诚。我们在此提供积极的员工雇用经验。祝大家本周愉快！