译者：相遇是缘。但是，每个人都经历过“交友和被甩”。文章中的“ghosting”，中文可以被翻译成“不理你了”，“被甩”，或“被拉黑”。

如果朋友不理你，你该怎么办？

这不仅仅是约会的问题，而且会很伤人。非常伤人。以下是应对和“往前看”的方法。

作者：凯瑟琳·皮尔森

2023 年 4 月 12 日

在我 20 多岁的时候，我一位最亲密的朋友不理我了。

我们在大学相识，毕业后开始渐行渐远。他搬到中西部读研究生；我留在纽约，但只要情况和预算允许，我们就会见面，并通过电子邮件联系——一开始很频繁，后来就不经常了。我试着不要过多地纠结于我们关系结束的时候，但最近我挖出了 12 年前我给他的最后一封电子邮件：“我把这封信发给他，作为最后一次联系的尝试，”我写道，直到现在，这封信仍然让我感到心痛和尴尬。“我希望我们能重新联系。”

他没有回复，我也没有再尝试。感觉就像被甩了一样。消失——即某人单方面切断沟通，没有任何警告或解释——似乎已成为现代约会场景中不可避免的一部分，但我们对朋友之间这种现象的关注却远远不够。

然而，研究表明，像我这样的经历相当普遍。在 2018 年的一项研究中，39% 的参与者表示他们被朋友“甩”过。今年早些时候发表的一项研究发现，人们在被朋友“甩”后所感到的伤害往往与被恋人“甩“后所感到的伤害一样严重。

“我们知道，对于‘甩’，有四个基本需求受到了威胁，”马里兰圣玛丽学院心理学助理教授、2018 年研究报告的作者吉利·弗里​​德曼解释说：“你的归属感、你有意义的存在感——你在世界上有一席之地，而且那个地方是有意义的——你的控制感和你的自尊心。”

弗里德曼博士提醒说，目前还没有关于如何应对被朋友突然抛弃的最佳策略的研究——并强调，关于“拉黑”的大部分研究都集中在约会和恋爱情况上。但她和其他研究友谊和“拉黑”的专家提出了几种可能有帮助的方法。

验证你的经历——以及你的痛苦

心理学家、《永远的好朋友：与最好的朋友分手后如何生存》一书的作者艾琳·S·莱文说，被朋友“拉黑”是一种“耻辱”。她认为，这在很大程度上源于你应该永远留住朋友的神话，而事实上，荷兰的研究表明，人们每七年可能会失去社交网络中大约一半的朋友。

莱文博士说，只要提醒自己：流动性是友谊的标志，柏拉图式的“拉黑”相对普遍，就能给你带来一些安慰，因为它有助于使这种体验正常化。

“试着退一步想一想，记住并非所有的友谊，即使是非常好的友谊，都能天长地久，”莱文博士说。

认识到被冷落也可能会有所帮助，这是一种“模糊的损失”，这是一个心理学术语，描述没有信息或结局的损失。研究友谊的心理学家玛丽莎·弗朗科说，感到悲伤、愤怒或尴尬是正常的，沉思也是正常的。

“任何能帮助你表达情感的事情都会减轻悲伤，”弗朗科博士说。这可能包括写日记、哭泣或与不会淡化你的感受的朋友交谈。她敦促，试着以一种富有同情心的方式来确认你的痛苦，承认你的感受将你与其他经历过类似问题的人联系起来——这一想法被称为“共同人性”（common humanity）。 （就我个人而言，写这个故事让我感到很释然，因为我意识到我不是唯一一个经历过这种事情的人。）

重新获得一些控制权和联系感

弗里德曼博士说，由于“拉黑”的特点是不确定性，它可以帮助“增强你的控制欲”。她说，将你的时间和注意力集中在你感到有主见的生活领域。是在工作中吗？通过某些爱好？将你的精力投入到这些追求中。

佐治亚大学社会心理学博士生克里斯蒂娜·莱克福补充道：“如果你觉得自己被“拉黑”缠身了，试着用其他人的社会联系来填补你生活中的空白。如果你能试着和亲密的朋友或家人共度时光，你可能仍然会因为这种经历而感到受伤，但希望你不会感到那么孤独。”

与此同时，莱文博士说，尽管被冷落是一件非常私人的事情，但“提醒自己被甩可能与你无关”可能会有所帮助。她指出，例如，你的朋友可能正在努力解决心理健康问题、疾病或家庭问题，他们“可能还没有准备好分享——即使是对一个非常好的朋友。”

考虑再联系一次

有时很明显朋友已经和你分手了，我就是这种情况。但通常，友谊只是逐渐消失。例如，1984 年一项经常被引用的针对年轻人的研究发现，实际距离的分离是友谊结束的最常见原因。

因此，考虑一下这种可能性：你的朋友不是故意不理你；只是生活阻碍了你们。堪萨斯大学传播学教授杰弗里·霍尔 (Jeffrey Hall) 表示：“通常，朋友不会说：‘我要搬到州的另一边开始工作，到时候我不会经常联系你了’”，他指出，友谊对行为的期望不像恋爱关系那样明确。

霍尔博士说，如果你联系他们，他们可能会感谢你的坚持。

即使你再也没有收到回复，至少也可以帮助打断反复思考的循环，弗朗科博士说。她说，主动出击可以让你更清楚地意识到友谊已经结束，而不是让你疑惑不解。

“你可以说，‘嘿，朋友，我有一段时间没收到你的消息了。目前，我不确定你是否还想和我做朋友，’”弗兰科博士说。“试着欢迎他们对你坦诚相待。我认为，‘拉黑’者通常认为诚实比‘拉黑’更糟糕。”

What to Do if a Friend Ghosts You

It’s not just a dating thing, and it can hurt. A lot. Here are ways to cope — and move forward.

By Catherine Pearson

April 12, 2023

In my late 20s, I was ghosted by one of my closest friends.

We met in college and began drifting apart after graduation. He moved to the Midwest for grad school; I stayed in New York, but we visited when our circumstances and budgets allowed, and emailed — frequently at first, then less often. I have tried not to dwell too much on the time when our relationship ended, but I recently dug up my last email to him from 12 years ago: “I’m putting this out there as a final attempt to be in touch,” I wrote in a note that makes me feel a combination of heartache and embarrassment, even now. “I hope we can reconnect.”

He never responded, and I never tried again. It felt an awful lot like being dumped.

Ghosting — when someone unilaterally cuts off communication without warning or explanation — has become a seemingly inescapable part of the modern dating scene, but we pay far less attention to it as a phenomenon between friends.

Yet research suggests that experiences like mine are pretty common. In one study from 2018, 39 percent of the participants said they’d been ghosted by a friend. And a study published earlier this year found that people often feel just as hurt after being ghosted by a friend as they do after being ghosted by a romantic partner.

“With ghosting, we know that there are four fundamental needs that get threatened,” explained Gili Freedman, an assistant professor of psychology at St. Mary’s College of Maryland who was an author of the 2018 study: “Your sense of belonging, your sense of meaningful existence — that you have a place in the world, and that place is meaningful — your sense of control and your self-esteem.”

Dr. Freedman cautioned that there isn’t any research on the best strategies to help you cope with being abruptly dropped by a friend — and stressed that the bulk of research on ghosting has focused on dating and romantic situations. But she and other experts who study friendship and ghosting offered several approaches that may help.

Validate your experience — and your pain

There is “a certain shame” to being ghosted by a friend, said Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and author of “Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend.” She believes much of it stems from the mythology that you’re supposed to keep your friends for all eternity, when in fact research in the Netherlands suggests people may lose about half of the friends in their social network every seven years.

Simply reminding yourself that fluidity is a hallmark of friendship and that platonic ghosting is relatively widespread can offer some comfort, Dr. Levine said, because it helps normalize the experience.

“Try to step back and remember that not all friendships, even very good ones, last forever,” Dr. Levine said.

It may also help to recognize that being ghosted is a form of “ambiguous loss,” a psychology term that describes a loss without information or closure. Marisa Franco, a psychologist who studies friendship, said it is normal to feel sad, angry or embarrassed, and it is normal to ruminate.

Research suggests simply naming feelings without trying to change them or push them away — a technique known as “affect labeling” — can offer solace.

"Anything that helps you express emotion will ease grief,” Dr. Franco said. That might include journaling, crying or talking to friends who won’t minimize your feelings. Try to validate your suffering in a compassionate way, she urged, by acknowledging that your feelings connect you to others who have struggled with similar issues — an idea called “common humanity.” (I, for one, have found it cathartic to write this story and realize I’m not the only one who has been through an experience like this.)

Reclaim some control and a sense of connection

Because ghosting is characterized by uncertainty, it can help to “fortify your need for control,” Dr. Freedman said. Focus your time and attention on areas of your life where you feel a sense of agency, she said. Is that at work? Through certain hobbies? Pour your energy into those pursuits.

Christina Leckfor, a doctoral student in social psychology at the University of Georgia, added: “If you think you’re being ghosted, try to fill that void in your life with social connection from other people. If you can try and spend time with close friends or family members, you might still feel hurt by the experience, but hopefully you won’t feel as lonely.”

At the same time, although being ghosted feels deeply personal, it may help to “remind yourself that getting dumped may have nothing to do with you,” said Dr. Levine. She noted, for instance, that your friend might be grappling with mental health issues, an illness or family problems, and they “may not be ready to share — even with a very good friend.”

Consider reaching out once more

Sometimes it’s obvious a friend is done with you, as was the case for me. But often, friendships simply peter out. For instance, an often cited 1984 study among young adults found that physical separation was the most common reason friendships end.

So, consider the possibility that your friend isn’t deliberately ghosting you; life simply got in the way. “Typically, friends don’t go: ‘I will be moving across the state to start a job, and at that time I’m not going to keep in touch as much,’” said Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, who noted that friendship does not have the same kind of clear expectations for behavior that romantic relationships tend to have.

It’s possible that if you get in touch, they might thank you for your persistence, Dr. Hall said.

Even if you never hear back, it can at least help interrupt the cycle of rumination, Dr. Franco said. Taking initiative can offer more closure that the friendship really is over, she said, rather than leaving you wondering.

“You might just say, ‘Hey friend, I haven’t heard from you in a while. At this point, I’m not sure if you continue to be interested in a friendship with me,’” Dr. Franco said. “Try to welcome them to just be honest with you. I think ghosters often think honesty is worse than ghosting.”