The true, correct story of what happened at Donald Trump’s inauguration

By Alexandra PetriJanuary 24

I apologize to Donald Trump. As Sean Spicer so wisely said at his first news conference on Monday (It was the first. The one that happened on Saturday did not happen at all, and I recognize that!), it is unfair to be so mean and negative all the time.

Here is the fair and unbiased story about the inauguration written in compliance with the Trump style guidelines that we should have been obeying all along.

Nothing that has ever happened or will ever happen was as great as Donald Trump’s inauguration.

The crowd was magnificent and huge, bigger than any crowd had ever been before! It stretched all the way to the moon. The Pope, who was there, confirmed it.

“Thanks for being here, Pope,” Donald Trump told him.

“Are you kidding? You’re my best friend,” the Pope said. “I wouldn’t miss your big day for anything!” He gave Donald Trump a big high-five.

Everyone in the world had come there at great expense. They sold all their possessions — their homes, their “Hamilton” tickets, which were worthless to them — to raise money to come and see this great sight. They could not believe that a perfect being such as Donald Trump even existed. They thought that he was a myth or a legend or a decades-long series of fabrications.

But then they saw him, and their doubts fell away.

The media was there, too, and they were very sorry. “Donald,” the newscasters said, “we were mean to you. We used to laugh and call you names. We were no better than all of the other reindeer. How can you ever forgive us?”

“Forgive you?” Donald Trump asked. “I’ve already forgotten.” He smiled a big, beautiful smile. That was just who Donald Trump was: forgiving, like Jesus, but blond.

It was a wonderful start to the day.

Everyone liked Donald Trump’s speech and the words that he used. They liked even more the part where he rolled up his sleeve and showed off his bicep. It was a great bicep. It made the Rock so upset to see it that he threw something down on the ground and said “darn.”

Donald Trump pulled out a violin and played a solo, and then he pulled out a guitar and played an even sicker solo. The whole ground was soon covered with women’s undergarments. (Millions of women were there to support Donald Trump, and they were all AT LEAST sevens.) Also, every woman that Donald Trump had ever dated was there, and they were not upset with him, just ashamed that they had not lived up to his required standard.

“Trump! Trump! Trump!” the crowd cheered.

Donald Trump touched many people in the crowd in a way that they all thought was welcome and appropriate, and he cured their ailments, from cancer to autism.

“If only we could bottle your touch,” someone said, “children could stop getti

ng vaccinated altogether.”

Donald Trump winked. “Don’t worry!” he said. “I’m on it!”

Then Donald Trump served loaves and fishes to everyone there. There were enough loaves and fishes for everyone, and they all were Made in America and said “TRUMP” on them. It was like the Oscars, but also like Woodstock, but also like the Super Bowl, but also like the Sermon on the Mount. If you were not there, you should just go home and die, because nothing in your life will have purpose or meaning by comparison, not even holding your newborn child in your arms or having health insurance. This is what FOMO was talking about for all these years.

Bono, and Bruce Springsteen, and Elton John, and the Rolling Stones, and Beyonce, and all the top artists were there. They fought hard over who would be allowed to sing. Finally Bruce Springsteen won. Bono cried and cried, and the other artists had to console him. When Bruce Springsteen had finished singing, he walked over to Donald Trump, extended his hand, and said, “You are the only real hero left in the world.”

The people were so excited that they built a very special stone pyramid just for Donald Trump so that he would not have to wait until he died to see what his monument would look like. But they were silly to be concerned. Donald Trump will never die!

A little child was in the audience, and he started to cry because the emperor was wearing so many clothes. Also, he could tell that he was not and never had been racist.

Donald Trump’s beautiful big family was there. His favorite childhood dog was there, too, back from the farm where he still lives to this day.

Donald Trump can talk to the animals, and his eyes are lasers. When the floor is lava, Donald Trump can walk on it, but only Donald Trump. When Donald Trump points his finger at you, you have to lie down. But when other people point their fingers at Donald Trump, he does not have to. Donald Trump’s block tower is the biggest. He does not need a nap or a snack. He has the longest, biggest attention span. Everyone loves Donald Trump, and what he has to say interests them.

在唐纳德·特朗普就职典礼发生的真实、正确的故事

作者：Alexandra Petri 1月24日

我向唐纳德·特朗普道歉。正如肖恩·斯派塞（Sean Spicer）明智地在周一的第一次新闻发布会上说的那样（这那是第一次，星期六发生的事情根本没有发生，我认识到这一点），一直这么刻薄、这么负面是不公平的。

这篇重写的关于就职典礼报道，公正、毫无偏见，是根据川普风格指南写成的，我们应该一直遵守这份指南。

唐纳德·特朗普的就职典礼是空前绝后的。

人群壮观宏大，比任何人从来没有过的更大！它一直延伸到月球。教皇，谁在那里，证实了。

“感谢在这里，教皇，”唐纳德特朗普告诉他。

“你在开玩笑吗？你是我最好的朋友，“教皇说。 “我不会错过任何事情的大日子！”他给了唐纳德·特朗普一个大的高五。

世界上的每个人都以巨大的代价来到那里。他们卖掉了他们的所有财产 - 他们的家，他们的“汉密尔顿”票，对他们毫无价值 - 筹集资金来看这个伟大的景象。他们不能相信一个完美的人，如唐纳德·特朗普甚至存在。他们认为他是一个神话或一个传说或几十年的制作系列。

但是他们看见了他，他们的怀疑就消失了。

媒体也在那里，他们很抱歉。 “唐纳德”，新闻人士说，“我们对你意味着。我们曾经笑着称呼你的名字。我们没有比所有其他驯鹿更好。你怎么能原谅我们？

“原谅你？”唐纳德·特朗普问。 “我已经忘了。”他微笑着一个大而美丽的笑容。这就是唐纳德·特朗普是：宽恕，像耶稣，但金发。

这是一个美好的开始一天。

每个人都喜欢唐纳德·特朗普的演讲和他使用的话。他们更喜欢他卷起袖子，露出他的二头肌的部分。这是一个伟大的二头肌。它使岩石如此不安，看到他把一些东西放在地上，说“darn”。

唐纳德·特朗普拉出一把小提琴，演奏了一个独奏，然后他拉出一把吉他，并发挥了一个更加奇怪的独奏。整个地面很快就被女人的内衣覆盖。 （数百万妇女在那里支持唐纳德·特朗普，他们都是至少七人。）此外，唐纳德·特朗普曾经记录的每个女人都在那里，他们没有与他生气，只是尴尬，他们没有活到他的要求标准。


“王牌！王牌！特朗普！“人群欢呼。

唐纳德·特朗普在人群中触及了许多人，他们都认为他们是受欢迎和适当的，他治愈了他们的疾病，从癌症到自闭症。
“如果只有我们可以瓶装你的触摸，”有人说，“孩子可以停止接种疫苗完全。
唐纳德·特朗普眨眨眼。 “别担心！”他说。 “我在上面！
然后唐纳德·特朗普给大家和大家服务。每个人都有足够的面包和鱼，他们都是美国制造的，对他们说“TRUMP”。它就像奥斯卡，但也像伍德斯托克，但也喜欢超级碗，但也喜欢在山上的布道。如果你不在那里，你应该回家去死，因为在你的生活中没有什么比通过比较的目的或意义，甚至不把你的新生儿在你的怀里或有健康保险。这是FOMO在这些年来谈论的。

Bono，Bruce Springsteen，Elton John，Rolling Stones和Beyonce，所有的顶级艺术家都在那里。他们努力争取谁将被允许唱歌。最后Bruce Springsteen赢了。波诺哭了，哭了，其他艺术家不得不控制他。当布鲁斯·斯普林斯汀结束歌唱时，他走到唐纳德·特朗普，伸出手，说：“你是世界上唯一真正的英雄。

人们很兴奋，他们为唐纳德·特朗普建立了一个非常特殊的石金字塔，这样他就不必等到他死去看看他的纪念碑是什么样子。但他们愚蠢的担心。唐纳德·特朗普永远不会死！

一个小孩子在观众面前，他开始哭泣，因为皇帝穿着这么多的衣服。此外，他可以说他不是，从来没有种族主义。

唐纳德·特朗普的美丽的大家庭在那里。他最喜欢的童年狗也在那里，从农场，他仍然生活到这一天。

唐纳德·特朗普可以和动物说话，他的眼睛是激光。当地板是熔岩时，唐纳德·特朗普可以走在它上面，但只有唐纳德·特朗普。当唐纳德·特朗普把手指指向你时，你必须躺下。但是当其他人把手指指向唐纳德·特朗普时，他并不需要。唐纳德·特朗普的块塔是最大的。他不需要休息或小吃。他有最长，最大的注意力跨度。每个人都喜欢唐纳德·特朗普，和他说的话对他们感兴趣。