英译汉作业

I.  https://www.amazon.com/Hear-You-Surprisingly-Extraordinary-Relationships-ebook/dp/B071K4MWMK

Michael S. Sorensen （Author)

+ 2018 IPA Book Award Winner

+ 2018 Readers' Favorite Award Winner

What if making one tweak to your day-to-day conversations could immediately improve every relationship in your life? 如果对你的日常会话方式作个调整，就能立刻改善你生活中的每一段人际关系的话，将会发生什么呢？

In this 3-hour, conversational read, you’ll discover the whats, whys, and hows of one of the most valuable (yet surprisingly little-known) communication skills—validation. 在这3小时的会话阅读中，你会发现“是什么，为什么，如何做”等交流技巧中——最有价值的就是“认同”，然而这一点却是惊人的鲜为人知。

Whether you’re looking to improve your relationship with your spouse, navigate difficult conversations at work, or connect on a deeper level with friends and family, this book delivers simple, practical, proven techniques for improving any relationship in your life. 无论你现在是否在注意“改善你与配偶的关系，掌控工作中有难度的对话，或是在更深层次上处理与亲朋好友的关系”，这本书都会向你提供一些改善人际关系的简单、实用、经验证的技巧。

Mastery of this simple skill will enable you to:

精通此简单技巧会使你：

• Calm (and sometimes even eliminate ) the concerns, fears, and uncertainties of others

   减轻（有时甚至消除）对他人的担忧、恐惧或不放心。

• Increase feelings of love, respect, and appreciation in your romantic relationships在你的爱情生活关系中，增加爱意、尊重与欣赏。

• Quickly resolve, or even prevent, arguments

快速解决，甚或阻止争论。

• Help others become open to your point of view

  有助于他人接受你的观点。

• Give advice and feedback that sticks

  给出建议并反馈建议所坚持的主张。

• Provide support and encouragement to others, even when you don’t know how to “fix” the problem对他人给予支持和鼓励，甚至在你还不知道如何搞定问题的时候。

• And much more等等。

In short: this skill is powerful. Give the principles and practices in this book a chance and you’ll be amazed at the difference they can make.

总之，这种处理人际关系的技巧是强有力的。你若能给这本书所提供的原则理念与实际经验一个实践的机会，你会对于这些处理人际关系的技巧给你带来的改变而为之震惊。

II.   https://drjamielong.com/validation-5-things-not-to-say/

        Dr. Jamie Long （Author，Psychologist）

【译者注：查字典结果是：validate 使…生效；使…合法化；validity有效，合法性，正确性，正当；validation 确认，批准，生效。我认为“validation”在此可引申为“认同”。】

Validation is a critical communication tool and expression of love and acceptance in relationships.

认同是一种关键沟通手段，是一种对爱的表达以及对人际关系的接纳。

So critical in fact, that parenting（养育）experts report that it’s one of the most important things a parent can do to foster（培养）healthy psychological development in their children (Read: The Power of Validation by Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D, and Melissa H. Cook, LPC). 实际上认同是如此的关键重要，故许多育儿专家报告说，这是父母能够做的最重要的事之一，可以培育孩子的心理健康发展。

Conversely, invalidation is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse（侮辱，虐待，辱骂，滥用）. 反之，不认同是一种最具伤害性的情感虐待。

What’s scary（吓人的，令人惊恐的，可怕的，胆小的）, it can be one of the most subtle （微妙的，敏感的，巧妙的，狡猾的）and unintentional abuses. 所谓“可怕的，吓人的”，可能会是一种最微妙的也许是非故意的虐待。

Denying someone’s feelings and emotional experience can make them feel like they’re going crazy! 否定某人的感受和情感体验，可能会让他们觉得自己疯了！

They leave the conversation feeling much different than at the start, questioning themselves.当他们感到所进行的谈话与会谈开始相比有很大不同时，就会质疑自己。

Some individuals knowingly invalidate others as a form of manipulation, control, and psychological injury. Possible explanations (other than psychopathy) are: a low capacity for empathy and compassion not understanding or valuing the importance of validation, and/or not knowing how to express it effectively. 有些人故意不认同他人，作为对他人进行操控和心理伤害的一种手段。对此现象的合理解释（精神病除外）是：缺少共鸣与同情心，不理解或不重视认同的重要性，以及/或者不知道如何有效地正确表达。

Others may invalidate unintentionally. The well-intentioned invalidators often defend that the goal is to help someone feel better or differently — to an emotion they judge as a more accurate, more valid one.

另外一些人也许是下意识地不认同他人。那些出于善意不认同者常常会为自己辩护说，其目的是要帮助他人感觉变好或体验不同的感受——他们断定这种情感更细腻，更有效。

If you’re the recipient of invalidating messages, know this: YOU’RE NOT CRAZY! Your feelings are valid and real. 如果你是“不认同”信息的接收者，要知道：不是你疯了！你的感受是正确真实的。

5 Invalidating Statements NOT to Say (to someone you want to support)不要说的5句不认同的话（对你所想要支持的人）

(Note: There are numerous ways to invalidate someone. Below are examples of more common invalidating statements).（注：有许多不认同的方式。以下举例说明更常见的不认同的表述。）

1.  “At least it’s not…” -or- “It could be worse.”

“至少不是…”或“也许更糟…”

The suffering of another can elicit（引出，探出，诱出）strong discomfort for those who witness it. 别人的痛苦可能会引起目击者的强烈不适。

Compassionate people want to fix it or make it better. 富有同情心的人想要处理这种情况或使情况好转。

When someone cries, we offer a tissue to wipe away the tears or a tender sentiment in hopes of a smile. 当有人哭泣时，我们常常会递给那人一块纸巾去擦掉眼泪，或者表现出一种温柔的感情，希望看到一丝微笑。

If those efforts don’t work, the ante is upped with stronger efforts to bring some relief. 如果这些努力都不起作用，通常我们就会加大投入力度，采取更有力的措施来做一些缓解（带来一些安慰）。

In my therapy sessions I often hear stories of how those in despair feel utterly alone and misunderstood. 在我给患者作治疗期间，常听到一些绝望的患者诉说自己是“如何彻底孤独和遭受误解”的故事。

Take for example, a young client grieving the devastating ending of her short-lived marriage. 例如，一个年轻患者为她短命婚姻的毁灭性结束而悲伤。

She shared several examples of how well-meaning, sympathetic souls offered statements such as: “At least you’re young, you will re-marry.” “It could be worse, at least you didn’t have any children with him.” 但她与人分享的几句表述显示出的却是那么善意、那么和谐的精神境界：“至少你还是年轻的，你还会再婚。”“这件事可能是比较糟糕的，但至少你和他还没有孩子。”

The attempts of solace felt as if her friends and loved ones were marginalizing her pain, regardless of the validity of those statements. 这种尽力安抚令人感觉就好像是她的朋友或她所爱的人正在边缘化她的痛苦，不论那番表述的观点是否正确。

It wasn’t perspective that she needed, it was empathy and understanding. 因为，她需要的不是观点，而是同情和理解。

2.   “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “对不起，那是你的感觉。”

As an experiment, ask someone you know to pinch your arm. 作为一个实验，你来要求一个认识你的人掐疼你的胳膊。

Instruct this person that no matter what you do the only response they should give you is: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” 无论你做什么，都让这个人给你的唯一回答就是：“对不起，那是你的感觉。”

Have them pinch you until it starts to hurt.

让他们一直掐你，直到你开始疼痛。

Once the pain has irritated you enough, tell the person: “Ouch! That really hurts!” 一旦疼痛足以使你发怒，就告诉那人“哎呦！真疼啊！”

Wait for their scripted reply. How did you feel? 等到他们照稿子念式地用那句话来回答你，你会感觉如何？

Did your pains dissipate after hearing they were sorry you feel that way?

如果听到他们说“对不起，那是你的感觉”之后，你的疼痛会消失吗？

Of course not! Telling someone “I’m sorry you feel that way” is simply a socially acceptable way of saying, “I don’t care how you feel, your reality is wrong” (or worse: your experience is stupid). 当然不会！告诉某人“对不起，那是你的感觉”仅仅是一种在社交上可接受的说话方式。“我不管你感受如何，反正你的真实感受就是错的（或者更糟糕的说法是：你的体验是愚蠢的）。”

3.   “You shouldn’t feel that way.” “你不该有那种感觉。”

You might think that the above example is very similar to #2. In some ways, yes it is, but here’s how it’s different. 你也许认为以上这句话与第2项举例非常相似。在某些方面，确实相似；但此处显示的是不同之处。

The message of you shouldn’t feel a certain way goes beyond disregarding another’s feeling, it also communicates that a person’s emotional experience isn’t a valid one. 你不应该以某种方式忽视别人的感受。你对别人感受的忽视等于是传达出一种信息：你不认同别人的情感体验。

The statement conveys contempt and superiority. What gives you the authority or the ability to decide how a person should or shouldn’t feel?

这种说法表达出的是蔑视与优越感。但又是什么赋予你这种权力或能力来决定一个人应该或不应该如何去感受呢？

Only they know that! Denying a person’s perspective can — and often does — make them feel crazy, invisible and small. 只有他们自己知道！否定一个人的观点能够且常常确实会使其感到自己疯癫，被无视与卑微。

This example reminds me of a severely depressed adolescent patient who often complained during our sessions that her parents didn’t care about her. 这个案例使我想起一个严重压抑的青春期患者。在我给她作治疗期间，她常抱怨，她的父母不关心她。

The examples she gave to support her belief were invalidating statements by her parents. 她给出一些支持其理念的例子，来证明她父母的说法不正确。

When she was anxious about something that happened at school her parents told her that she shouldn’t let it bother her. 当她对学校发生的某事很焦虑时，她的父母告诉她说，她不应该被这种事烦扰。

When she was frustrated with how her parents disciplined her she was told she should get over it. 当她因父母对她的约束而感到沮丧时，父母又告诉她说，应该克服这种沮丧心理。

After crying over a fight with a friend they suggested that she should lighten up and that her friend probably meant well. The list of examples went on and on. 当她与一个朋友打架后哭泣时，父母又建议她应该释怀，她的朋友或许是好意。这一系列情况不胜枚举。

4.   “Don’t think about it, just get on with it.” “别多想，接着干！”

Imagine you have spent a large amount of time training for a marathon. 设想一下：你花了大量的时间作马拉松训练。

You’ve worked really hard to condition your body and you’re confident that you have achieved the necessary level of fitness to run in it. 你以自己的身体条件真的是已经尽力了，并且你确信你已经具备了适合跑马拉松的必要条件。

Just a few days before the marathon, an unfortunate accident results in a broken leg.

就在跑马拉松比赛的前几天，一次不幸事故造成了你一条腿骨折。

Sadness, anger, frustration, and deflation might describe a few feelings subsequent to the situation. 可以用“悲伤、气愤、失望、泄气”等几个词来描述你在此后的情绪。

Assuming you’re not completely unreasonable, it’s unlikely that you will tell yourself: “Don’t think about it, just get on with it.” 假设你并不是完全不理智的，那你就不可能对自己说“不管怎样，尽管继续进行！”

Your leg is broken! You can’t run a marathon with a broken leg, right? 因为你的腿断了嘛！你不可能用断腿去跑马拉松了，对吧？
Regarding emotions, people tell themselves and others all the time to dismiss a feeling and to just get on with it. 至于情绪，人们总是告诉自己和别人，要消除不良情绪，尽管继续进行。

Certainly, there are situations when we need to set our feelings aside so that we can function adaptively. 当然也有这种情况，当我们需要把情绪置之度外时，我们就能适应性地尽职尽责。

I’m not writing about those situations in this example. 我不打算在这个案例中写有关那些情况了。

I’m referring to the times when feelings are harmfully stuffed, brushed aside, and suppressed. 我要指出的是在哪些情况下会使人充满受伤害的情感，感到遭受无视以及感到压抑。

Paradoxically, encouraging such emotion dismissal leads to even greater psychological distress. 自相矛盾的是，鼓励消除此类不良情绪往往会导致产生甚至更大的心理困境。

When we trivialize, minimize or disavow feelings, we inevitably cause the emotions to grow. 当我们把受试者的情感进行平庸化、最小化或否定化处理时，必然会引起其情绪更加激动。

Believe me, these emotions will find a way to be expressed. Think aches & pains, diarrhea, panic attacks, emotional eating, drugs, alcohol, etc.). 请相信我！我认为，这些情绪都会找到一种表达方式：疼痛、腹泻、无端恐惧症、情绪化进食、情绪化服药、情绪化饮酒，等等。

5.   “I’m not having this discussion!” “我不想作这个讨论！”

We’ve all been victim or the perpetrator of one of the most powerful non-verbal invalidations: The Silent Treatment. 我们每个人都曾经扮演过最强势的非口头“不认同”的作恶者或受害者的角色——以“沉默”表示不认同。

Leaving the room. Ignoring phone calls/text messages. Rolling our eyes. 常见反面情绪有：愤然离去，不接电话或不回短信，怒目而视。

The urge to disallow a contrary emotional state to exist is understandable especially when we disagree with it. 决不允许存在反面情绪的心情是可以理解的，特别是在我们不认同的时候。

But we must resist this urge no matter how right we feel in the circumstance. 但是在所处境遇中，无论我们感觉有多么正确，都必须抑制这种强制性冲动。

Remember, validation does not mean we agree with another’s subjective reality. 要记住，认同并不意味着我们同意他人的主观现实。

Validation is having the capacity to allow another person’s emotional state a space to exist and it can start with simply being present and listening. 认同是具有“允许他人的情感状态存在”的能力，并且仅以能够在现场倾听开始。

How to Be Validating: 如何作认同：

 Recognize that validating someone’s emotional experience does not necessarily convey agreement with it or that you think they’re right. 要认识到：认同某人的情绪体验并不一定表达出你与其意见一致，或你认为他们是正确的。

You can communicate that someone’s emotion is valid without liking the emotion. 即使你不喜欢这种情绪，你也可以表达出一种认同的评价“某人的情绪是正当的或正确的。”

*Remember an emotion is different from a behavior. 

*要记住：情绪不同于行为。

 Avoid becoming defensive or offering unsolicited advice. If you are the target of the emotion, try to accept responsibility for at least a small part of the complaint.要避免变得敏于防守或主动提供建议。如果你是这种情绪的靶向目标，请尽力至少承担一小部分受到抱怨的责任。

If you have an idea on how to solve their problem, ask: “Do you want my help with this problem?” If the answer is “No,” focus on listening.

如果你对如何解决抱怨者的诉求有了主意，那就要问：“你想要我来帮助解决这个问题吗？”如果答案是“不”，那就集中注意力去倾听诉求。

Understanding must precede intervention. To truly listen to someone means to try to understand their position. The deeper you can understand where they’re coming from, the more validating you will be. 理解必须先于调解。真正倾听某人的诉求就是要尽量了解他们的处境。你对他们的处境了解越深，认同就会越多。

Reflect the Feeling. “I can see you’re really upset.” “This must be so painful.” 表达感觉。“我看得出你真的很难过。” “这种情况一定是说明你很痛苦。”

Summarize the experience. “I totally understand that you’re upset because I wasn’t on time which was rude and irresponsible.” “This must be so painful, it’s devastating to experience such a loss.”总结体验。“我完全理解你很难过，因为我没有守时，这是我的不礼貌和不负责任。” “我这样做一定让你很痛苦了，让你遭受这样的损失真是灾难性的。”

Ready to be even better at validating others?  Read this post on the different levels of validation.

你在认同别人的同时，随时准备做更好的自己吗？那就请阅读这条有关“不同层次的认同”的帖子。